Apologies and Moving On

It's no secret that I hold onto things. Bad things. Not the bad things that people do to me; I find it much too exhausting to hold onto those things, but the bad things I do to people. I  believe in repentance and forgiveness, but I have a hard time forgiving myself. I hold onto things I did and they just nag at me although I've done everything possible to make it right. They just nag, and nag, and nag.

If I've ever wronged you, know that I haven't forgiven myself for it yet.

Lately I've been nagged by an event that happened in high school. A time I deeply wronged someone I loved very, very dearly. And although I've since apologized to him and been forgiven, I feel like I have to apologize to the world. Like I have to make sure that no one else I love ever makes this same mistake.

One of my best friends at the time had become a part of my family. I spent more time with him than I did without him. Monica introduced him to people as "my brother." He would take Monica to dance class alone when nobody else could take her. He was...family. Looking back I see how much he taught me. Want to know how I learned to love someone completely? How I l even learned to love my own sister the way she deserved?  It was him. He taught me. He showed me. Sometimes some memories are too personal and wonderful to share, but just know they exist. But sometimes memories exist that are so awful that you have to share them to make them ok again. Thanks for being part of my therapy session.

Now this dear friend of mine gave away so much love, but he never kept any for himself. I now know he struggled with his own identity and sexuality. One night while on the phone discussing homosexuality, the LDS church, which he was not a member of, and other things, I became upset and angrily spurted out that the LDS Church and community would never accept or love homosexuals, and neither would God. He went silent after that and ended the call quickly and quietly. We never again had a long late night phone conversation. Our friendship grew cold after that. He came out shortly after moving away to college and has finally found the happiness he was searching for.

I often think about what I said and how that must have hurt him.How wrong I was. How misinformed. I decided then that I would spend the rest of my life correcting that mistake, and proclaiming from the rooftops what I know to be the truth: That all love is beautiful. That God loves everyone no matter what. Everyone. No. Matter. What. Everyone else can mind their own damn business. If someone doesn't understand love and acceptance, that's a problem they should take up with their god.

The next year, when I was a Senior in high school, I was part of the Political Action Group. We held a mock election at the school to see how the student body felt about certain issues, including gay marriage. One day while I was tending the poll booth, a couple well known for PDA came up and commented that gays make them sick. I told them that they make me sick with all their making out. That they make me so sick I want to gouge my eyes out and throw up all over the whole school. My teacher then invited me to take a moment to walk away from the booth, as I was obviously upset. Awww, memories.

In case you're wondering, I apologized to this friend as soon as I found him on Facebook when I came to college. (Remember when Facebook was only for college students? Those were the days...) He assured me that all was forgiven and told me something I literally tell myself each and every day:
The person we were yesterday is not the person we are today, nor the person we will be tomorrow.

Thanks for listening. I needed to get that out. Here are some pictures of baby animals to make up for the heaviness: